For me personally, this one was particularly challenging because I had to recognize my unconscious challenge with setting boundaries and the conscious challenges setting boundaries brought up with my child. I learned that setting boundaries carried so much emotional meaning and I also learned that my child recognised my unconscious behaviours around setting boundaries that became something we had to continue to work on with patience and perseverance. My unconscious pattern of setting boundaries but not following through with them was evident. My child would test the limits to the boundaries they didn't agree with through constant asking, arguing, negotiating or simply ignoring the boundary. I found myself experiencing the same emotional upset my child would feel with a boundary that caused them upset. My unconscious thought process was to do whatever it would take not to see my child upset irrespective of a healthy boundary.
There was confusion over empathy versus responsibility where instead of using empathy to understand and support my child's emotions to handle the boundary, I would focus on making their anger disappear. Saying no to my child felt like I was harming them, which brought up so much anxiety, guilt and fear of damaging the relationship that I would naturally start to relax the boundary rather than follow through if it was challenged. With conscious recognition, I could see the boundary was more linked to emotional pain and patterns where my own nervous system was screaming that someone I love was upset and I had to make that go away. My own childhood trigger was activated and seeing my own child upset reminded me of the love that had to be earned.
Consciously working with boundaries was a process both myself and my child had to learn to adapt to. Standing by the boundaries initially was hard to do. The more I stood by them, the more I found myself explaining, trying to manage the increase in my child's emotions as they realised the old system no longer worked. Through time, patience, practice and conscious awareness, I gradually learned to hold the boundaries firmly, while the warmth remained. Even today, my child will react to the 'unfairness' of certain boundaries. It's important that they are given the space to explain and discuss how the boundary makes them feel, without the boundary itself moving or changing. The no can mean no, while our child can still have an emotional reaction to what feels unfair. We can hold space and help them navigate the processing of those emotions as a tool they will use as they grow.
As an unconscious parent with a history of not being heard, dealing with crossed boundaries was mistaken for disrespect. I spent years not setting boundaries and when a set boundary was crossed there was a paradox moment of viewing this as disrespectful. I recognised that my child was testing the limits rather than intentionally disrespecting me. Over time, I moved to a more grounded place where I could feel my child's disappointment without needing to remove a boundary. I can hear their disagreement and accept that they may challenge a boundary without seeing it as disrespect. Most importantly, I can hold my boundaries without withdrawing love. A child's emotional reaction to a boundary doesn't mean it's wrong. Their disagreement doesn't mean they disrespect us. And their disappointment doesn't mean we have failed them.